When I first went online, I was fearful
of the power of the ‘net and had lots of paranoia about having an online
persona. Emails and eBay were manageable, and made Christmas shopping much
easier. But just before my sister emigrated to Australia in 2006, I saw her
clicking away on the social networking site “MySpace”. I decided to set myself
up a profile so I could easily keep in touch with her. I liked the easy sharing
of pictures and links and the broader opportunity of linking up with others
outside of my usual social realm. It took me a few months to put a picture up,
and even then it was of me in disguise. Initially my profile was public but I tired of getting rude messages of a sexual nature. So,
swiftly making my profile “private” I continued to experiment with online
social networking. I decided that I wanted to be very upfront about who I am ,
including all my quirks and bizarre preferences. I was sure that somewhere out
there in the world there would be people with whom what I wanted to say
resonated and this absolutely turned out to be the case. I scoured the lists of
users for women roughly 10 years either side of me in age and looked at their
profiles, sending a friend request if their profiles or blogs piqued my
curiosity enough. Occasionally I would receive a friend request from somebody
that wasn’t some dodgy bloke asking for private pictures, and so as time went
on I accumulated many online “friends”.
Cyberlove
Online romance blossomed where it
wasn’t being looked for and whilst on MySpace I was aware that two British "friends" were having online relationships with American men they had “met” on
MySpace. It seemed a little crazy at the time, but they are all married now and
really happy. One of the benefits to online courting is that you have time and
space to really get to know each other without getting physically hooked on one
another. Of course, the physical side is a valid and important part of intimate relationships, and I know a few people who
“fell in love” online and then when they met in the flesh it was a
disappointment, because the
chemistry just wasn’t there or because one or both had simply told too many fibs
about themselves.
Forming close friendships
I am aware and cautious of the perils
of an online presence but having spent a good while socialising in Cyberspace I
am as aware of the good as the bad. I have had the privilege of being able to
make very meaningful connections with people. My friend Sue, who shares her
experience below, has shared ups and downs with me and she helped me through
some challenging times through online messaging.
My longest and best online friend has got to be a
man who I shall refer to as bollers. He writes a little about our friendship
in a paragraph below. We have
known each other for nearly 7 years now and I believe that we have provided a
lot of mutual support and companionship throughout life’s ups and downs. bollers was kind and trusting enough to share with me the difficulties of his diagnosis
of suffering with schizophrenia and I have learned a lot about his experience.
He has had his fair share of my issues directed his way so it feels, to me,
like a two-way street with plenty of room for us to walk freely side by side.
In fact, bollers very generously assisted me with my Counselling Certificate
presentation on schizophrenia. As part of my presentation I asked my peers a
week or so beforehand what they would ask if they could ask a person with
schizophrenia anything. On the day, I handed them back their questions and
asked them in turn to read the questions out loud. On a big projector screen
was a recording of bollers, answering the questions individually, his face
filling the screen, his voice booming around the room, his very presence felt by
all. Not bad for a self-professed hermit and such a generous thing to do. After 4 and half years of online
friendship we met in the flesh – he came to stay for a long weekend, and it was
so fantastic to spend time with him. He was as he is online.
I have made other good friends online.
Codename is a marvellous mentor. I first met her on
MySpace and was deeply impressed by her intelligence and philosophical
leanings. She made the leap to Facebook, when MySpace started to lose what was
good about it, and the friendship grew. She helped me with some of my written
assignments for my diploma in counselling and gave excellent, supportive feedback.
I finally got to meet her in the flesh a year or so ago and she is as
sidesplittingly funny, gorgeous and deeply intelligent as her online persona.
From personal experience I am aware
that meaningful relationship can be made online and am looking to integrate an
element of online counselling into my private practice. For bollers, online relationship
was the only feasible option. For me, it was an opportunity to be brave enough
to express who I really am, a risk that was very much worth taking.
Here follows a few paragraphs written
by people who have kindly agreed to share their experience of
cyber-relationship.
Kate
I
didn't meet my partner online, though we did start seeing each other and
properly getting to know one another shortly before he was due to spend a four
month stint in the States.
So
when he went away, we were at that crucial 'are we going to carry on seeing
each other stage'. Our interaction was quite constant on Skype, and we would
talk for (literally) hours every day. It was kind of nice because I had the opportunity to separate the exciting physicality of a new relationship from the
actually talking and getting to know each other. Having said that, it was also
very frustrating not to be able to touch the other person, and we did engage in
a bit of web cam naughtiness. As the months drew on, we both became more and
more frustrated with the inadequacy of online contact, and by the end of three
months, we were talking less on Skype. Interestingly, talking on the phone
became preferable, I suppose because there was a juddering web cam, or slight
time delay, it actually felt more real to speak.
Bainz
I
met my wife online and though one would think it wouldn’t be the most normal
place to meet someone I did and I am glad I did. Never did it before, but if I
didn’t I would have never met my wife. If you think of it bars, clubs, stores
etc aren't really that good places. It took six months of writing back and forth
before she gave me her telephone number, and another two weeks of texts before
she allowed me to ring her but it was well worth it. I waited 46ys for the love
of my life and I did it online. Crazy as it seems, it worked for me and I
wouldn’t have it any other way.
Sue
I was
probably the most unlikely person to ever have imagined I’d end up married to
someone who I met online, but this is exactly what happened. In 2008 I got
talking to a chap in America on MySpace and we messaged for nine months just
chatting and catching up on life. Over this time we became really good friends
and would ring each other and text, after some persuasion by him, as I was very
cautious and doubtful of online friendships being anything other than that.
However in 2009 we finally met in person and knew immediately it was going to
be a big relationship, we always maintained our online relationship when he
went back home and this became a huge part of our courting and when we married
in 2011 in Las Vegas the first thing we did was publish our wedding pics on Facebook
and MySpace as it has been such a major part in bringing us together over all
the miles. Although at the moment my husband cannot live with me in the UK as
he has various things to tie up before he moves here permanently, we still
communicate by messaging and msn and truly think that online relationships are
probably more likely to succeed than randomly meeting people the normal route
ie pubs clubs etc... In online relationships you tend to open up more about
your life and I think this can either determine if you are suited or not to one
another’s lifestyles. So all I can say is I’m very grateful for online
messaging as its brought me someone who is wonderful to me and my children.
Along the way I’ve met quite a few new friends on it , of course there has been
occasional "weird " people but I can say genuinely the majority of
friends I’ve made are ones I will keep forever Amanda being one of them as she
too has had lot of experience, and has often given us advice and help along the
way to which we are extremely blessed and grateful.
bollers
in a land before facebook there lived
a magical kingdom called myspace and it was here that i first encountered
amanda. she had left a interesting comment about a television “face” and i had
felt compelled to write to her, which was saying something as over the prior
few years i had turned into a hermit who’d left all his friends long behind whilst
learning to live with being schizophrenic. this was a new horizon for me that
offered some hope of a future as well as being a worthy new way to pass the
time as i convalesced. so “message” amanda i did and thankfully she replied and
that is how it began.
what do i like about cyber
friendships? well typing keys opposed to chatting face to face allows me to
pause for thought, unlike when i am in a “real” life situations, as i have a
proven record of putting my foot in it. it also suits my hermit lifestyle, a
way of having company in my life without a lot of the hassle. then there’s the
possibility of helping other people, which by its very act helps me- not that i
ever expect anything back from a online friendship but more often than not it
does happen, simple things like someone to hear my space like scream from time
to time.
i am no expert on this sort of thing,
the number of online friendships i’ve been in is low, but quantity is not the
issue, it’s about the quality of the relationship, about creating meaningful
relationships and that takes effort and honesty reciprocated both ways and this
is something i have found with amanda. she’s straight talking in a gentle way
and her words are always the righteous truth. she has much wisdom within her
and being part of her life is something i shall always treasure. with cyber
friends travelling the galaxy becomes a reality.
My presence on the
‘net as a therapist
The issue of therapist
self-disclosure gets batted round from time to time. Should we be “blank screens”?
Is it really possible to be “blank screens”? I don’t think so. What I believe,
and this works for some people (but I do not claim that it will work for all),
is that looking for a therapist is tricky. That there are many homogenised
counselling websites out there – how do you choose who to see? Some of my
clients have told me that it is purely down to the amount of information I
share on my website that makes them choose me. They feel more comfortable
knowing more about me beforehand, and I have even heard that they felt a
connection with me before meeting me. This fits perfectly with my experience
(click here for my blog on my session with the author and psychotherapist and author Irvin Yalom) of feeling a connection of another through reading their
written word.
Amanda Williamson is a professional counsellor with a thriving private practice in central Exeter, UK
Amanda Williamson is a professional counsellor with a thriving private practice in central Exeter, UK
