I wonder how many people are setting themselves some resolutions this year? What is the drive behind the choices they make? Are people attempting to make changes because they are critical of themselves? "I'm too (insert word here)", "I'm not (insert word here) enough", "I should/shouldn't be (insert word here)"?
How about a framework for making resolutions?
How about basing the choices you make on something fundamentally meaningful?
I propose that Bronnie Ware's famous list of "Top 5 Regrets of the Dying" could be a great way of defining resolutions that will ultimately make a difference to the quality of our lives. Bonnie has shared what she discovered as a nurse in palliative care. Her findings, which she has extended into a book on the subject, are as follows:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
(NB This list is taken from Bronnie Ware's site)
So how might a list of resolutions look using this as a framework?
1) Make a list of things you want to do in life and plan roughly when those things can be achieved. Make one of those things happen this year.
2) Find a better work/life balance. Try a session or two with a counsellor or life coach or read a book on the subject. Watch some Alan Watts lectures. Here's a great one.
3) Find a way to be able to express your feelings. Confide in friends. If you struggle to express yourself then try some sessions with a counsellor to learn how to express your feelings. We all have them. We haven't all had the opportunity to learn how to express them.
4) Dig out your old address book and make contact with people you stopped sending Christmas cards to years ago. Or look at those that you send a quick one-liner to and write an actual letter. Arrange to meet up with at least one old friend this year.
5) Allow yourself to experience happiness. If guilt or shame are getting in the way then find a therapist to work through those feelings. Everyone is entitled to feel joy. Find something joyful that you can do this year. Join a group, buy yourself something silly but fun. This doesn't have to be expensive. I got a lot of joy out of buying an old copy of Ladybird Cinderella which I absolutely loved as a kid. It was a few pounds on eBay. I still drool over the three frocks she got to wear in that edition.
Final note
I do not want to make light of the real struggles that some people face and loss, poverty and ill health as well as discrimination can have a very negative impact on our experience of life. This article is meant to highlight those things that we potentially do have a choice in, although not all of us will be able to make those choices. I remain sensitive to that.
