28 May 2012

Self-Destructiveness Workshop

It was over a week ago that I attended a super workshop entitled "Working with Self-Destructiveness" with Andy White. I wish I had got around to blogging about it the next day but I had work, and have only just got around to it. The regret is that some of the content was esoteric and quite abstract and hard to define in writing, and possibly even more so 9 days on.

The workshop was described as being for practicing counsellors who would like to strengthen their ability to work with issues of self-destructiveness in their client group. Andy White, who has stacks of initials after his name (Dip Adv Ex Psych, Dip RF, Dip Adv HIPS, Dip Psychosynthesis), is a very charismatic and creative individual and was a great teacher.

First of all we went into groups of three to discuss self-destructiveness, then to thrash out a definition. My group came up with;

"Engaging in thoughts, actions or patterns of behaviour, which can be outside of conscious awareness, and are against our self-interest or authentic long-term goals and/or ideals."

Most groups came up with something roughly similar and there were philosophical and semantically-based challenges to each definition. It certainly got us thinking anyway. There were some pertinent quotes banded about by Andy, such as;

"We are destroyed by anything with which we are unconsciously identified." Jung

There was a loose Venn diagram sketched alluding to the origins of inferiority and superiority; the inferiority being based upon the parts of ourselves that were not melded with Mummikins, and superiority where we had a sense of omnipotence and oneness with mother. Andy told us that inferiority and superiority are two sides of the same coins, that they exist in all of us and that there is a dialogue between them.

I didn't take much in the way of notes, but I did jot down some names and quotes as they seemed very valuable. Andy explored self-destructiveness versus creativity and it edged into the realm of existentialism, with a great Viktor Frankl quote;

"Some refuse the loan of life to avoid the debt of death."

...and someone referred to as Hillman, who I can't for the life of me find reference to on the 'net;

"To create is to have a brush with death."

Spiraling well and truly into the vortex of existentialism, I am going to repeat this quote in it's entirety, lifted from a book Dionysus: Myth & Cult, by Walter Otto:

"He who begets something which is alive must dive down into the primeval depths in which the forces of life dwell. And when he rises to the surface, there is a gleam of madness in his eyes because in those depths death lives cheek by jowl with life. The primal mystery is itself mad–the matrix of the duality, the unity of the disunity, ..The more alive this life becomes, the nearer death draws, until the supreme moment when something new is created–when death and life meet in an embrace of mad ecstasy. The rapture and terror of life are so profound because they are intoxicated with death. As often as life engenders itself anew the wall which separates it from death is momentarily destroyed...Life which has become sterile totters to meet its end, but love and death have welcomed and clung to one another passionately from the beginning."

There was also a great Navajo story of the jumping mouse. I had goosebumps at the end of the story on the day, and his ending was way better. It entered the realm of psychosynthesis, as did the next part of the workshop, which was about our self-saboteurs.

The best learning, for me at least, is experiential and I very much enjoyed taking part in a visualisation exercise which involved being in a forest glade then taking a path through the trees to meet our internal saboteur (we all have one you know!). I found mine straightaway, but it morphed a few times, before settling down. We asked our saboteurs questions such as "What do you need" and "How can you help me". I quite like visualisations and the images came easily. It was fairly emotional for me, then we were invited to go back to the glade, then resurface to the room, and the everyday reality. Then we had to draw what we saw, with some crayons.

Off in pairs, we shared details of our self-saboteurs then in the larger group compared notes. What struck me, is that it seems that the self-saboteurs, an aspect of our subconscious, knows us better than we know them, which I found intriguing. People's images were very varied although many were archetypes in the Jungian sense. Here's a picture of mine (remember, crayons make for tricky drawing!);

So, the next exercise was to remember a time when we had to make a very difficult choice, and discuss with a partner. Something that came up for me (and some others) was that life-changing decisions can involve a brush with death (when a decision is too agonising we may feel that it would be easier for fate to take away the decision for us) and that they involve our relationship with our shadow. Also, there were very existential agonies for me - I felt like my self-construct was ripped apart and changed forever as there were permanent mental/neurological shifts happening.

We moved towards more philosophical discussion about the purpose of suffering and the concept of depression being something we should make friends with (something I agree with), that we could be "instructed by melancholy" (Thomas Moore - Care of the Soul). We ended up on sadism and masochism too - how did that happen?

The day went by far too quickly and I would definitely like to attend Andy's next workshop on working with dreams. He trained and worked in psychotherapy for years then found himself expressing himself creatively and is now a mosaic artist.

23 May 2012

Devon DAAT Exploring Recovery Day, Exeter

Exciting things are happening in the world of recovery in Devon. I was delighted to be able to attend the Devon Drugs and Alcohol Team's (DAAT) Exploring Recovery Event which was held on Monday 21st May, at St James's Park.

The morning kicked off with an introduction to the day by Kristian Tomblin, manager of DAAT. We were encouraged from the start to think about our own definitions of recovery and try and identify which part of the recovery continuum our work belongs to. The continuum starts at one end with harm reduction and at the other end with a dependence free lifestyle.

During a further talk by Francis de Aguilar of Addictions Solutions UK. We were told that the various definitions of recovery agree that:

The individual's acceptance of the problem is key
Recovery flourishes best with abstinence
Partcipation in self-help groups is very helpful and
Recovery often means big life style changes

Then there were some words from Ian Sherwood, from the National Treatment Agency, on offshoot of the Department of Health. My ears really pricked up when I heard him share these ideals for the recovery process:

Recovery is an individual, person-centred journey
Service users lead their treatment

He also stressed the importance of developing a therapeutic relationship and said that we require a "whole systems approach" i.e. all those involved in the recovery process are united in their approach. Whilst I really enjoyed hearing these things I was also wondering how these ideals would fit into the bureaucracy that I notice is an inevitable aspect of any public sector entity.

Next we split off to go to various workshops. My first selection, on Mental Health, was very much worth going to. It was run by John Lilley from Devon Partnership NHS Trust. There was a talk by a service user - a man who had been addicted to alcohol but, it was discovered, had underlying mental health problems. This helped to get the recovery issue into context. There was then a talk from somebody who worked for the trust but also had children who are or who had been service users - a very useful perspective. She listed 3 things that she said were helpful about the current system, and 3 things that weren't:

What doesn't help

Lots of differing opinions from professionals
Labelling e.g addictive personality. She believed that this gave her son an excuse to not strive for recovery
The lack of a personalised approach

What does help

The relationship one of her sons had over 2 years with a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse)
Simple advice at times of crisis - "support not rescue"
The 12-Step programme

John Lilley got us to examine the correlation between mental health and recovery - "the mental health and recovery interface" and we were asked in teams to pictorially represent currents problems with this and how we would like it to look ("Rich Pictures"). Cue lots of interesting, metaphorical and frankly bizarre illustrations involving lots of bags of cash and shiny happy people.

The second workshop I attended was the Devon Drug Service talk for which I was a teeny bit late having got lost in the maze of corridors. This was a straightforward chat about the recent changes they have made and challenges faced. The way drug addiction was handled in the past was to put users onto methadone, a "holding bay" - parking users and hoping things will change. However, switching to methadone does not deal with the problem of "me". Now there is more emphasis on psychosocial intervention and there are workshops in place to educate users. DDS are attempting to bridge the gap between treatment for addiction and reintegration into society.

A couple of interesting points that came up in this talk was the importance of out of hours support for users who may need support at times of crisis. Also, DDS expressed that although the recent financial cuts have been unfortunate, it has prompted creative thinking in their approach.

There were other workshops available - SMART Recovery, Soberlink, Alcoholics Anonymous, Howell Road Recovery Community and Narcotics Anonymous.

Lunch was a total carbfest, and a very enjoyable one at that (pasta, quiche, sandwiches, cake).

After lunch we were treated to an incredibly powerful poetry recital by Steve Duncan which brought tears to my eyes, such was it's powerful and poignant message. I think it was called "Welcome to My Judgment Room" and it was empathy, horror and shame inducing all at once. You can find a different poem recited on a youtube performance here.

We all split off into groups of 10 for roundtable discussions asking 4 questions about recovery - what is the most important stage? What is going well? What are the gaps? And what proposal would we make to improve recovery?

These were all fedback to the wider group and there was a lot of overlap in the proposals. People wanted greater collaboration between agencies and an improvement in access to the service users ("multi-agency case conferencing", "professional networking site", "service mapping", "central communications hub").

There was more poetry and some feedback about what delegates had written on the "What Recovery Means to Me" wall (legitimate graffiti!). Unfortunately, the event was running a bit behind and I had to slip out early due to a childcare catastrophe.

What did I get out of it? Well, I did my fair share of SMART Recovery promotion, seeing as I wholeheartedly believe in it and there were some there, working in the addictions industry who knew nothing about it. In fact, I think that SMART Recovery deals with the integration into society aspect of recovery very well, which was a theme that arose more than once that day.

There was also the promise of a shift in perspectives and approaches to addiction; more peer-led mentoring and educating, a client-led recovery system and the bringing together of the various agencies involved in recovery. I also heard mooting of the importance of therapeutic alliance and the relational aspect. Music to my humanistic ears.

I did put my feelers out with regards to one-one therapeutic work as previous readers will know, I have a particular interest in the field of addictions, but there doesn't seem to be much in the way of funds for that purpose.

17 May 2012

SMART Recovery - addictive behaviour support and training

I have recently been doing some online training for an organisation called SMART Recovery. I came across them by accident, when a local facilitator and representative of SMART Recovery found my blog on REBT versus CBT and called to ask about that. We got chatting and I found out what he does - facilitates meetings for people with addictive behaviour issues.

The chap in question had some good things to say about the system, so I looked into it further as I have an interest in the field of addictions. As some of you know, I did a voluntary placement with Chandos House Treatment Centre in Bristol last year (blog posts here and here).

I read up on SMART Recovery, attended a couple of meetings (they are open to interested professionals - just ask beforehand) and have just completed the online meeting facilitator training. I am fortunate enough to be able to attend Devon Drugs and Alcohol Action Team's Exploring Recovery Event day this Monday 21st May, as a professional interested in substance misuse, sharing what I have seen of how SMART Recovery works. This will be an opportunity for people from different agencies dealing with addiction to come together and share ideas. SMART stands for Self Management and Recovery Training, by the way.

I would sum up what I know of SMART Recovery thus:

1) It is a meetings based system for self-help to educate, inspire and support those committed to dealing with their addictive behaviour. This can involve any form of addictive behaviour - drugs, alcohol, gambling, compulsive shopping etc.

2) It draws heavily from Albert Ellis' Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy which, as some of you may know, I am a huge fan of, in contrast to CBT which I think is more feeble (blog post on REBT versus CBT here). The sessions involve teaching the ABC system - A is the activating event, C is the emotional consequence. Initially clients will have a tendency to say that A causes C, For example, if I fail my exam then I will feel awful. We teach the client to see that there is a B - their beliefs about A, and this is what is causing the problem. D is to dispute the belief - the irrational outlook and E is the new, effective, rational outlook. So in this example, the belief might be, if I fail my exam it will ruin my life and I will be a failure. Well, the client might really be believing that but through Socratic questioning we can help the client to challenge their sedimented belief and see that it is their own irrational beliefs that are leading them to feel so anxious. So the anxiety will reduce. Of course, this is to be delivered in an understanding and empathic way. I have seen it work very well with the SMART Recovery meetings. Eg Somebody feels terrible because they've had a relapse. Then feeling awful about the relapse then makes them more likely to stay lapsed, because they feel so terrible about themselves. By ABC'ing them - which they do in groups at the meetings, and are given a handbook to do it at home, they can feel less bad about lapsing, and therefore not likely to relapse. The B for them might be "if I lapse then that proves I'm a failure so I might as well carry on being the failure I so obviously am". The D - disputing, would be that nowhere is it said or written that lapsing makes you a failure. The person can feel regret at their action but not shame, for they are human! It's the fundamentally humanistic quality of REBT that I like so much, but also that the client can take away a system of help which they can apply to other irrational thoughts in the future.

3) There is no affiliation with any religion, which makes it a good alternative to those that are uncomfortable with that aspect of Alcoholics Anonymous.

4) The belief behind the Smart Recovery system is that nobody is an addict; they have problems with addictive behaviour. The use of words such as "addict" and "alcoholic" are banned at meetings to ensure that there is a clear distinction between the person and their behaviour. I think that this fundamentally humanistic stance helps attendees to stop judging themselves (and others) - judging oneself leads to more bad feelings - so why do it? REBT fosters unconditional self-acceptance (USA). Unconditional other acceptance is a natural by-product of USA.

5) In contrast to Alcoholics Anonymous, people who attend meetings are invited to attend for as long as they wish to. When they feel they no longer need to attend there is no pressure to do so. The belief is that a person can choose to make changes to their addictive behaviour and can get the support when they feel that they need it. When they no longer feel they need it they can stop. People with addictive behaviours are not believed to be addicts all their lives - they can make choices. SMART Recovery believes that calling people addicts or the like promotes a sense of helplessness at their situation.

6) The system involves many tried and tested tools to help people make changes, such as the Motivational Matrix, and the Hierarchy of Values. I have tried these on friends and family, and the odd client, and they are valuable and effective.

I think that SMART Recovery will continue to go from strength to strength. The meetings I attended had a very warm and sharing atmosphere. There is really good work going on here, and sometimes attendees go on to become facilitators - using what they learned to transform their lives to help transform the lives of others. I found the attendees and facilitators inspirational and it is certainly a privilege to be able to be part of their sharing. I look forward to learning more at the Exploring Recovery Event on Monday and no doubt will have something to impart next week.

26 April 2012

A session with Yalom - Part 3

Click here for Part 1 and here for Part 2

It was damp everywhere from the recent downpour and the chair outside was wet. The home office was of modest size and elegant looking with a pretty garden.

Right on 12:30 the door opened and there stood Irv. I went inside and moved towards the fairly old and comfortable looking armchairs. The home office was a pleasing space with a relaxing feel about it, although I was far from relaxed. I was quite nervous which is probably the first thing I said to Irv.

We sat down and I registered the box of tissues on the table. Then we started. There followed just shy of an hour of interaction with one of my favourite authors and someone for whom I have great respect and admiration. I laughed and I cried.

Now, what follows is not a blow-by-blow account of all that passed between Irv and I. I did record the session with Irv’s kind permission. In retrospect I am so glad that I did as on listening back I could hear things that Irv said that I clearly did not hear at the time. A lot of what was discussed is very personal and intimate but there were some general issues that we talked about which I think that others could get some value from hearing.

How did I find Irvin? – Well, he speaks like he writes – intelligently and authoritatively, but I found him warmer than I imagined and his voice softer. He asked me a lot of questions to begin with, about my childhood, children, relationship history. I am not used to being led like this, but of course, this was a one-off session; I appreciate that he was gathering information, at quite a rate, which he later deftly wove into the session in an insightful and ultimately helpful way.

Near the start of the session I brought up the authenticity issue. Rather than an intellectual discussion of semantics and philosophy, which is what I was angling at, Irv kept it where it belonged:

Amanda: My lifelong quest is to try and find out what authenticity is, and that seems to be at the bottom of a lot of my ‘stuff’, and I have a fear that there is no such thing and that as humans we are very good at using our logic to justify our actions. I find that quite a scary concept. And I know that I, as a human being yearn for connection with others.

Irv: Can you just say a little bit to me about why authenticity is particularly important to you? How do you relate to the concept of authenticity?

Amanda: I know how easy it is to lie. Lying makes me feel uncomfortable whether it’s me doing it or someone else.

Irv: Do you have a history of that? Is it a particularly common experience…?

Amanda: I suppose I’ve been let down a lot, historically, been misled. I know that we’re surrounded by lies on a societal level.

Irv: On a societal…what about a personal level?

Amanda: On a personal level, yes, and that’s….I know there’s a yearning for connection…

From that point the topic of authenticity remained on a personal level. I think that Irvin had to steer me away from a cognitive and philosophical discussion to the personal. These issues are important to me for a reason and talking my way philosophically around them does not actually get to the root of it – me. I know this when I’m with a client and I bring them to the level of their experience rather than an external level. It was very interesting for me to listen afterwards to my subconscious attempts to take it away from me, to the safer, bigger world of outside-of-me. I hope that I am as gentle with clients as Irv was with me at steering me back to me!

He complimented me on being on this journey with 3 kids (including a teenager – one who happens to verbally challenge my stereotype-generalisation of teenagers – good for him!) and us getting on well – a journey which he knows many have undertaken, with kids, including himself, and which he understands is usually a harrowing experience.

He was very kind and helpful in pointing out the good that I have done with my life, despite certain setbacks, and pressed that I had successfully broken the cycle (he had to press as I just wasn’t taking it on board, and, indeed, it was only on hearing the recording that I finally heard it properly!). So I got a lot out of that.

Irv asked about my counselling work and I took the opportunity to ask about one of my themes:

Amanda: Is it an authentic healing process or do we subconsciously pass on our construct resulting in the client taking on a similar construct?

Irv: That’s a good question. They’re taking on what you give them and they have to see it in the light of their own internal language. They build it again inside of them to fit with their own past experiences. I’ve never had the feeling that people take on my construct. But they build a new one because their whole life circumstances are so very different. And for you, you will get certain things from seeing me or seeing your therapist… and other people won’t do it that way, they’ll take other things. Everyone deals with it quite differently. So I think, my only feeling is you really just have to be present with your clients and give them what you can, and trust them to take what they need out of it.

This was great for me to hear as for me it is being present with the client that seems to work best. I shared with Irv that I think that therapy is about the relationship I form with a client, and they see that I actually feel love for them, that they perceive that somehow.

Irv: They have a capacity then to form a really good relationship once in their life at least or be with someone who can actually love them. Well, that gives them an internal reference point, they know they’ll be able to do that again, and will keep you in mind a lot. I think that’s really important.

The session then turned again to more personal issues – of course those issues are part of who I am and I was grateful to explore in the greater context of the situation – meeting my hero and receiving his wisdom.

We talked about my disappointment at his cancellation and my discomfort around being less important to him than he was to me. Referring to what he had gleaned about my childhood experiences, he seemed to really empathise about why this might be particularly difficult for me. I really felt that he had a lot of understanding of what it must be to be me.

I asked Irvin what he got out of what he does:

Irv: A great deal. First of all, the same things you’re saying. It’s important for me and it gives me a sense of meaning in my life, to be able to work with people and give them some meaning as well. The other thing is, and I think this may be true for you as well, is that I feel that I’m pretty good at this, I know what I’m doing. And I think you do have a bit of that also, and you know, it feels good when you do something you’re being really effective in, so there’s that. There’s something about the whole intimate connection , even though it’s very brief, it is always warming to me. There’s something about, I like to get into the lives of other people, to their stories. Maybe as a writer there’s some of that for me too...its not their story but it’s an idea…ignites in my heart.

Amanda: That’s interesting that you say that because you get ideas for the stories you write and you like getting into other people’s lives and stories and I do feel a little bit guilty about that…hearing other people’s secrets…I feel so privileged but also, a bit…not scared, but in awe of the fact that I’m in that privileged position and that they trust me that much.

Irvin then referred to a paragraph he wrote in his book “The Gift of Therapy”, which I have reproduced here as it is a poignant and important point for therapists:

“We are cradlers of secrets. Every day patients grace us with their secrets, often never before shared. Receiving such secrets is a privilege to the very few. The secrets provide a backstage view of the human condition without social frills, role playing, bravado or stage posturing…Those who are cradlers of secrets are granted a clarifying lens through which to view the world – a view with less distortion, denial, and illusion, a view of the way things really are.”

With that in mind, I can see why, with my lifelong quest for authenticity, I find my work so rewarding. And if I can help anybody feel as content and passionate about life as I do, then it is with purpose.

On reflection, something else incredibly valuable I have gained from this session, is that my thoughts around therapist self-disclosure have been solidified. There are many, wildly differing opinions about the appropriateness and usefulness of therapist self-disclosure. One of the things that attracts me to Yalom is the honesty he reveals in his writing and in session with him I felt I knew enough about him to feel comfortable with him. His honesty about his shortcomings and humanness put me at ease before I even met him.

I have, since starting private practice, decided to be as upfront as I can about myself and my approach in my marketing literature. Anyone familiar with my blogs will see that I reveal a lot more in my posts than many other counsellors do. The reason why I do this is that I want people to have a flavour of who I am and what they can expect – what makes me different to other counsellors, rather than what makes me the same. The aim is to give the client real choice – to enter into a therapeutic relationship with me with open eyes. Now, post-Irv, I have real experience of the benefits of knowing something about the therapist beforehand.

My thoughts throughout have included the relationship I have with my own therapist. Indeed, it was he who recommended Yalom's books to me when I was first training. From my point of view I have a safe, trusting and wonderful relationship with him. After the session, I couldn't help but compare him to Yalom, and would say he is at least as good. In fact, I would always choose my therapist when I reflect on what we have shared, how I have grown through my relationship with him, and because he is who he is.

The session with Yalom taught me a lot about myself, and my work. The personal development began long before the appointment itself and continues, as the session becomes a memory, and I ponder on what we discussed, and integrate it into the present.

Most important, of course, is that Irvin Yalom is still one of my heroes.

A final point - I strongly urge anybody involved in or interested in the counselling and psychotherapy profession to read Yalom’s non-fiction works, and for everybody to read his fictional works.

With thanks to Irvin Yalom for his kind permission to include quotes from the session and the excerpt from his book.

25 April 2012

A session with Yalom - Part 2

A Session with Yalom Part 2

We covered a lot of miles on our journey – over 3000. I had a lot of thinking time, and sure enough, as we drove through mountains, past huge lakes, through deserts, some thoughts did start to formulate. I wrote down notes in the car (which I can barely read). Some of the themes of fears and insecurities for me that were brewing were:

Authenticity – what is it really? Is everything an illusion? Is our logic and our rationality a tool with which we justify our actions?

Connection – what is the source of our yearning for connection? Conception in the product of union; being born is the ultimate divide. Is love a construct to attempt to gain the approximation of the togetherness of gestation? And is death, therefore, sweet relief from the inevitable lifelong pain and yearning?

The process of counselling/psychotherapy – is it an authentic, healing process or is it a construct to make the therapist feel better? Do we subconsciously pass on our construct resulting in the client taking on a similar construct leading to them feeling better because we have passed on our way of coping with existence? Do we help clients replace “unhealthy” and dysfunctional constructs with more workable and life-enhancing constructs?

Freedom and choice – It feels to me like we have a choice and I operate from that level. But I also feel that there’s something bigger than me (fate, destiny, chance…) that has resulted in my capabilities of choice. I struggle with understanding how others do not see it the same way.

Childhood “stuff” – just thinking about bringing some old, personal issues into the session had me feeling nauseous. Such a strong reaction showed me that I should perhaps not avoid this topic. After all that cognitive stuff above, this was a gut reaction to old pain. Do I really want to revisit when it’s all behind me? Well, who better to entrust it with?

All along the lead up to the session, I had a background fear that Irv would get sick and cancel. I did not dwell on it – I did not want to send negative vibes out into the stratosphere (how grounded does that sound?!), so I allowed myself some excitement of the anticipation, but it was safely contained, should the worst happen. Coincidentally(?) my daughter brought up one of her deep thoughts for all to share, during our journey, such is the gift that she is, which I wrote down in my notes:

“It is better to not be too happy because if you are, and things go wrong, it feels worse than if you were just a bit happy”.

We talked about this for a while and I told her that I think that sad and bad things are part of life, and that curtailing happiness won’t stop them from happening, and that embracing the happiness makes the most of it while we have it, making the bad things easier to tolerate when they happen. Whether I manage to do that myself is something I am unsure of. I am closer to it, and in this instance I did allow myself some excitement, but yes, it was “safe” excitement.

So, on the morning of the appointment, in a hotel in Sunnyvale, close to Palo Alto where the appointment was to be, I woke up excited and ready. After breakfast, I decided to check my emails and there it was, a profuse apology from Irvin that he had woken in the night feeling terribly sick. I felt crushed, and quite numb. All that build up, all that supposedly safely contained excitement and I was gutted. He mentioned that if he made a miraculous recovery maybe I could see him the next day, but what’s the chances of that? My colds/flu are always worse on the second day.

I knew it. It wasn’t going to happen. My husband and kids were so disappointed for me – they were more visible about it than I was. I numbly got on with the day as we changed our plans and went to Monterey, in the pouring rain, early. The Facebook responses to my disappointment were helpful – so thank you to my friends and family for your empathy.

Because there was a small chance of a miraculous recovery, I did not allow my disappointment to flow freely. I protected myself from the depth of emotion and saved it for when I knew it was definitely over. We had a bit of a downer of a day – it rained continually the entire day, the forecast was for pure rain within a 5hr radius of Monterey (indeed, the whole of California) for the rest of our time in the States, and the visit to Monterey Aquarium was disappointing. We have been spoiled with Plymouth Aquarium, and I had visited Sydney Aquarium 17 years ago, with which Monterey is supposedly on par. Well, it just wasn’t that great, after the huge build up and misleading brochure. Also, the kids were beginning to feel really homesick

That night I decided to do some believing in the reality I wanted (I have been reading Joe Dispenza’s Break the Habit Of Being Yourself which goes on about Quantum Fields and creating new realities). So I pictured waking up to a sunny sky and a message from Irv. I imagined the experience of this being so and fell asleep…

So I awoke to sunshine, but no message from Irv. I decided to email him and find out if it was a possibility, so I could get on with the process of expressing my huge disappointment (which was still on hold), then get on with the rest of the trip. The act of writing the email brought up a lot of feelings for me. I realised how much this meant to me and I had uncomfortable feelings around that. I felt anger towards Irv for being ill, and for the fact that this was way more important to me than it was to him:

“Hi Irv, I am sorry to bother you, particularly if you are still feeling very ill. We are making our plans for the day and I was just checking in the faint hope whether there was any chance for a reschedule today… If there is any chance I would be most grateful, and yet I feel uncomfortable being in the situation where I am this desperately hopeful and dependant upon circumstances and somebody else. This is very complex. Regardless of the outcome I guess I have stuff to take away to process. Anyway, an update would be good.”

Why was this so difficult for me to write?

Well, anyway, I'm glad I did as I got an email from Irv telling me he was feeling better and would 12:30 be okay. Unbelievable. By now we were about an hour and a half away. My husband and kids were really pleased for me, even though it involved disrupting their day. So off we went.

At 12:25 I arrived at Irvin’s home office and waited a few minutes outside, feeling very excited, very nervous and ready to go.

Click here for Part 3

Amanda Williamson Coaching and Counselling Service in Exeter, Devon

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