Amanda Williamson Coaching and Counselling Service in Exeter, Devon

I have just left a comment on a LinkedIn discussion regarding gay conversion therapy. You can read more about the exposé of conversion therapy by journalist Patrick Strudwick here. There were some comments being left on the discussion that concerned me. Some therapists (a minority I might add) believe that if a client has unwanted gay feelings then we have a duty to help convert them to heterosexuality. This jars with my way of being and I wanted to share my contribution here:

By Amanda Williamson

I've been thinking a lot about mindfulness and meditation (been mindful about mindfulness?). Based on ancient Eastern philosophy and largely poopooed by the West until recently, we can finally see the 'science' that 'proves' it works, and so it's all the rage in the therapeutic community. I am feeling increasingly uncomfortable with the fad-like nature of the increase in popularity. I'm not entirely sure it will integrate healthily into our collective psyche in a truly evolutionary way but rather, be a passing fashion that gets replaced by the next big thing in self-help. Which would be a huge shame.

Mindfulness today seems to be increasingly equating to a bourgeoisie ideal of finding inner calm in lives filled with First World Problems. Take a look at the pictures that TIME magazine choose to adorn their vision of the Eastern concepts:



I welcome anything that helps to make people's lives better (and the articles above are pretty good actually), and I actually do feel a lot of compassion towards those that suffer from First World problems such as being inundated with information and technology and finding it increasingly difficult to Be Here Now (an excellent book by Ram Dass about what taking LSD taught him about finding out how not to need to take LSD to continue the learning…), it is difficult when we supposedly have it all and yet we are distracted from it all by this bombardment in amongst our busy lives of texts, 'news' alerts, Facebook messages, emails...and on...and on...

But, I would like to find a new word for mindfulness, one which doesn't have the connotations of the white, middle class, middle aged "worried well" and links it back to its roots based on universal truth and the sharedness of human existence. Of course the roots are attached to that scary, airy, fairy concept SPIRITUALITY, which means that it can't possibly be marketed to theophobes...Whilst I'm on that topic I consider myself an atheist, possibly agnostic, veering towards pantheistic...the point is, my own spirituality is organic, developing, work in progress. I am secure enough in my stance to invite and welcome other frames of reference, especially if there's usefulness and learning attached. I believe that there are many of us out there able to deal with the spiritual frame of reference associated with meditation, and to incorporate something that science has finally proven has benefits, without making it into a glamourous, de rigueur fad, that somehow takes the essence out of it.

I often recommend a mindfulness based exercise, such as yoga, pilates or a martial art to my clients because this type of exercise "flexes" our frontal lobe as well as our muscles, and it is in doing so that we pop out of our automated way of thinking and provide our minds with the space to change. That is what learning is all about - forming new neural connections. This is also what unlearning is about - severing the neural links that have been long established and which cause us to react in the same old unwanted ways…unless we utilise our incredible frontal lobes and literally change our minds. This process is known as neuroplasticity and was introduced as an idea in the West by William James  in 1890, and was largely rejected until the 1970's. James stated:

"The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes of mind". 

It took us a while to get with the programme but getting there we are with the NHS embracing mindfulness and the University of Exeter investing in the clinical development and research of mindfulness based therapies.  

Here is a short video by Professor Williams from Oxford Mindfulness Centre, on The Science of Mindfulness:




Mindfulness alters our perspective and gives us the mental space to develop a new way of thinking, as well as calming down our emotional reactionary circuits.

Several years ago I tried kenjutsu which is the art of the Japanese sword.  I joined whilst I was training as a counsellor and tried weekly for about three years. It was helpful when I have been stressed, or busier than I'd like to be, or had challenging times in my life.


I am fortunate in that my counselling work is very mindful in that I am aware and present in the moment with my clients. It is easier to be mindful when we are doing activities which promote mindfulness. My enabling work with an autistic teenager is also very mindful. William is perpetually mindful of the immediate here and now. I had a dream about him several years ago; I was in a forest, taking part in a gruelling assault course. I was struggling to climb over and under things at breakneck speed. I glanced over at the other competitors and all I could see was William, skipping up and down on a tree stump, flicking a ribbon, whistling and smiling, totally at peace with the world.

I have many clients who are aware of the concept of mindfulness and have read books or attended a course but struggle to integrate it into everyday life. There are ways of weaving mindfulness into our everyday lives. Walking is an excellent way - thinking about what we can see and hear right now as we walk, rather than losing ourselves in thoughts/concerns/worries that are miles away from where our feet are…

A great martial arts class can be a highly effective way of developing strength of body and mind, of switching off the old, habitual thought processes and turning on that part of us that makes us uniquely human - our frontal lobes. Flex that frequently and you'll have a young mind as well as a young body.

Finally, I asked many people I know who do a martial art to tell what their Myers-Briggs type is. I was hoping to see a pattern. I had assumed that they would be mainly introverts rather than extroverts but actually, there was a fairly even spread. However, the majority of martial artists were *NF* types, that is intuitive and feeling (as opposed to sensing and thinking). Hmmn. Food for thought.

Boarding school survivors?

To whom does this term apply? Would that be anybody who went to boarding school and was abused? Is it anybody who went to boarding school and was distressed at being separated from the family and home? Does it refer to everybody who went to boarding school?

The term has emotive and probably contentious connotations so I shall proceed with referring to those that attended boarding school as ex-boarders. The workshop I attended referred to the subject matter as "The Boarding School Experience" and was run by local counsellor/psychotherapist Jane Barclay, herself an ex-boarder and a director of Boarding Concern.

I was keen to go and learn more about the boarding school experience as I have worked with some ex-boarders. Certainly, I have found anecdotally that the impact of that particular education format has left an undeniable impact on some in respect of self-esteem, the insistence of denying vulnerability and/or having difficulties with intimacy (all intertwined).

I attended the workshop with an open-mind. I have never set foot inside a boarding school. I had my prejudices and sketchy preconceptions based on Enid Blyton books (sardine sandwiches and ginger beer at midnight). I was interested to hear about ex-boarders' insights and really learn about their experiences.

Of the 12 delegates, all of whom were either qualified, or trainee counsellors, 3 of us had not attended boarding school. Of the remainder, all had had a negative experience, apart from one who had had a very positive experience. It was agreed that it was good to have the presence of somebody who had had a positive experience to add perspective to the emotive topic.

The workshop was held over 2 days, split by a 5 week interval. The first day we looked at how a child might adapt to the boarding school existence and how they might construct a Strategic Survival Personality. This consist of the ways of coping with the separation from home and family at an early age. The child identifies with power and independence and disowns their vulnerability and dependence.  This way of existing then continues on into adult life.

We then watched a video of a documentary by the BBC in 1994 called "The Making of Them". It was watching this that evoked a very strong emotional response in me. I was so overwhelmed by what I saw that I fought tears. I struggled with my own perception of the parent-child bond and how my intuition informs me. Keeping an open mind became more and more unmanageable. The documentary itself is about a number of young boys and watches them and their families as they are sent off to boarding school. We see some of them blatantly suffering emotionally, and others, more stoic, and "grown-up" and having already started the construction of a Strategic Survival Personality. There were many poignant moments. One was when you see one of the mothers at home, denying any hurt that her son may be encountering, stating how good for him the experience is, whilst dotingly stroking the pet dog planted firmly on her lap. Also, one of the stoic little boys, convincing us (or himself?) at how good it is to be so grown up, just like an adult...then proceeds to talk about the red clown nose on his birthday cake in a manner completely befitting of a very young child, juxtaposing what he is telling himself and the reality of his vulnerability.

Afterwards, we split into groups to discuss the film and how we noticed how the children and parents managed their feelings. I burst into tears, and felt an utter fraud. I never went to boarding school. How could I find this so upsetting? This is something I struggled with for a week or so, and went on to examine - what is going on for me in all this? On the one hand, I want to retain a genuinely open mind and not judge the experience of any ex-boarder. Yet there I was having a very passionate response. Every cell of my body was screaming to me that it is wrong to send away a precious child to a school where yes, they may be looked after well, and have a great education and lots of friends (although many delegates at the workshop did not have such experiences), but, WHERE IS THE LOVE?

By the second day, 5 weeks on, I had calmed down quite a bit. We shared our journeys since the last workshop, and most people had had interesting and powerful process.

We talked more about the Strategic Survival Personality and how this translates to character traits, about how difficult it can be to change those traits, about examining whether they are appropriate or helpful traits in adulthood.

We looked at how the young child might learn to deal with the separation, and and what they might be missing out on in being sent away from the home. We also looked extensively at the older boarder, the one who is sent away at age 13, and the effects of being sent away by their parents, the development of sexuality without the safety of flirtation with the opposite sex parent (not restricted to boarders of course).

Throughout the course, I recognised elements of my convent grammar school education in some of the criticisms of the boarding schools. I was not a boarder, but I was affected by a heavily Catholic flavour to the education process. Sanitary towels were bricks that we pinned to our underwear. Our uniforms were the most unflattering, sexuality-repressing garments imaginable (long a-line skirt and deck-chair blazer and faun socks - gorgeous!). The nuns were cold and sometimes cruel. I could identify with some of the issues that the ex-boarders had to face.

Most of all though, I realised that the fact that my mother left the family when I was 13 meant that there were parallels between my experience and that of female boarders sent to board at the same age. Perhaps I was there for this subconscious reason.

Working with Ex-Boarders

So how about working with ex-boarders? Well, much like my GamCare training, which was not about "which technique to use with people with gambling issues", this course was not about "how to counsel ex boarders". The intention, as far as I am aware, was to equip us with insights and awareness around the potential issues that may be relevant to working with this issue. This was very much accomplished.

After the workshop I feel that I have gained wisdom around the issues, rather than information and techniques. Wisdom is so much easier to integrate into the counselling process.




Amanda Williamson in a counsellor working in Central Exeter. Please click here for more information.

I've been doing a bit of pondering since reading a few weeks ago about the release of Grand Theft Auto 5 and the anticipated endemic of "sickies" as a result of it's release.

I grew up with 4 brothers and a sister, in the 70's and early 80's. Early childhood was about going to the park by ourselves, playing in the garden, waiting to watch the tiny bit of kid's television that was on during allocated slots, and playing with an assortment of plastic and wooden toys. I recall the excitement of one year, receiving both of my either/or Christmas gifts selections - a Bontempi Organ and a Girl's World styling head! (I think that every Christmas has been an anti-climax since then). Hour upon hour of teaching myself to play "Puff the Magic Dragon" on the organ, and how to plait plastic platinum blonde hair...



The first opportunity at video gaming was of course, Pong. I think I first saw it at my Grandparent's house - my uncle is only 4 years older than me so I suspect it was his, although my Nanna was always a bit of a technophile. Of course it's hard to look back in retrospect and fully appreciate just how much fun this rudimentary game was. To the younger readers; believe me it was fun (see the scintillating game of tennis to the right). 




Then one Christmas, when I was around 9 years old, we received a joint Christmas present of an Atari 2600 along with Space Invaders, Pacman, Defender and Asteroids. Wow! We were in gaming heaven (honestly!). Shame we had to take turns with 5 of us (little sis was too young at that stage). Space Invaders was the best, and we worked out a "cheat", by pressing "reset" at the same time as switching it on, which resulted in being able to shoot out non-stop bullets, rather than waiting until the previously fired shot had reached the top of the screen. We busted some records big time with that cheat!

By adolescence I had discovered things outside of the house to keep me occupied, and my gaming stopped. It didn't really pick up again until when I was about 20 and I got myself a vintage Tomy Tronic for a boost of childhood fun, followed by a Nintendo GameBoy when I was about 24. My partner at the time was anti-gaming, so it was a solitary pursuit. Then I had kids, and there wasn't time for such frivolities. I guess you could say that I am hardly a gaming addict then.

These days, I only really like playing games that are so ridiculous, that don't in any way attempt to simulate real life. We're talking MarioKart, Rayman's Raving Rabbids, Wii games, that kind of thing. By the way, this may have something to do with a phenomenon which is currently being researched, that is, the mechanics by which many of us find virtual humans unsettling to look at, known as Uncanny Valley. I can tell even the most HD digital imagery from analog, so I think I am sensitive that way.

But this is really about whether gaming can be problematic, or even addictive, although I have enjoyed a trip down memory lane...

Does video game addiction exist?

Is there such a thing a video game addiction? Is it problematic? Or is it just hysteria. It certainly seems to be a highly emotive topic with people taking quite strong views either way. Here is a interesting paper entitled Problems with the Concept of Video Game "Addiction"  (link broken as of Jan 2024) which seems like a quite balanced and rational sounding argument that there is a lack of scientific evidence to their being such a thing as video game addiction. The case studies involved, by self-professed gaming addicts, seem to involve more of an issues with poor time management and prioritising than of addiction per se.

There also this post on the site Fit Family Together which has a strong opinion on the effects of video games on children. (link now obselete as of Jan 2024). There are some particularly interesting and rational comments on the post, in contrast to the usual trolling that seems to take place on any post expressing opinion.

What do others think?

So I put it out into the social networking world - does anybody have anything to say about video game addiction, or their experience of it? I'm not interested in jumping to conclusions about how addictive and harmful gaming is (although I have been tempted on occasion) so I really wanted to get some level-headed responses from gamers.

Well, one of my brothers responded thus:

"I'd take up too much of your time - I wouldn't know where to begin!!" 

Does this mean that it is more of a time management issue or an addiction?!

Another of my brothers, Ross (pictured with me above), 40, busy running his own business and raising two young children, offered the following:



"Back in the early 90's as I was locked into the virtual world of Amiga gaming. I have found myself cured nowadays and although an owner of a PS3 and Wii I only ever spend about 20mins per week overall. Video game addiction back in the early 90's was mine and my other brothers' escape from the boredom at that time and as I was not educated very well it took me into a world where visuals and sound would move me in the safety of my own bedroom. It felt wonderful at the time and gave me the release and maybe stimulation one required as a bored teenager that craved input in the mad world around oneself at that time. It's kind of like a drug in a way and one that can sap the life out of you if you choose to stay embedded within that lifestyle- luckily for me it was a phase I was going through but still to this day I find myself invigorated occasionally to play video games and really get lost within the world although I'm older and wiser so now know when to say goodbye rather then spend the wee small hours trying to crack a level or score a winning goal."

I also received the following message from Ben, who has a girlfriend, a responsible job and no kids:

"I don't think my addiction causes me true issues in life or relationships. Both me and the missus are gamers, geeks. We actually met through WoW. So sometimes that's a positive. But I do think that giving so much of your time and energy to something which is supposedly "fun" can make the game a job. I used to do "proper raiding" - pushing for content clearing, dungeons and such, but trying to get there before others. We weren't like the professional gamers, but did raid 4 days a week, 3 to 4 hours a time. With a group of between 25 and 10 people, each with roles and responsibilities, it was a job... but rewarding. However the rewards are fleeting. There is always something "else" to get to. new content, new things. The game (WoW) can't ever be "beaten" as new expansions or patches add new challenges. And that's a definite feed for the drug like aspects. I know I've let past relationships falter because of the game (I "had" to attend X, Y and Z dates every week). I know I've not met "real life" friends for that impromptu drink or catch up, because of something I "had" to get prepared for in the game.